Cell-Phone Evolution

As Yakov Smirnoff would say, "Votta Countrie!"

First we had cell phones, disconnecting us from the wall jack, and totally revolutionizing our voice communications.

I have to admit, I don't fully understand the appeal of cell phones, being that I relish my moments away from the phone! (My boss likes me to be constantly available, or I wouldn't carry one at all.)

For kids, they are a status symbol. All the cool kids have cell phones; all the losers are phone-less.

Maybe that's true of adults as well. Cell phones have quickly become an indispensable part of our upscale, mobile culture. People buy plans with 3000 "any time" minutes. 2900 of those minutes are inane babble, but... use it or lose it. That's why you see people with phone-plastered-to-ear when driving, walking down the grocery aisle, dining in a nice restaurant, or watching a movie. (After all, those minutes can't be used up when you're working or watching Desperate Housewives, or sleeping!)

I saw a guy riding his motorcycle - on a public street - one handed, because his other hand was holding a cell phone to unhelmeted ear. (I ride a motorcycle, and I don't know how you could do that at all, let alone safely. After all, you need left hand to operate the clutch and the right hand for the throttle. He wasn't riding well, but he was riding. He's probably dead by now.)

The next big step was picture-phones. Take a grainy photo with your camera, and send it to the person you're talking to!

Mom and Dad went to the Seattle World's Fair, back in the early '60s, and the two things that really wowed 'em were... the Space Needle, and telephone with picture! Well, we've finally arrived! So - the cool kids have picture-phones, the losers have plain phones.

The next step is another one that baffles me - text messages. I s'pose there are instances where a text message makes sense, like if you've got to send somebody a phone number, or address or a vehicle ID number. But why would you spend 10 minutes composing and sending a message from your cell phone to somebody else's, when you could use your cell phone and call that person and convey the same message in a 20-second conversation? Weird, wild stuff.

And now... proving we're almost to the Gene Roddenberry Star-Trek Gilded Age... hands-free cell-phoning! One variation is called "Bluetooth." Shouldn't it be called "Blue-Ear"? (Or maybe I'm way off base, and it's called that after its inventor, Earl Bluetooth.) Evidently, hands-free phoning is for people who have the 6000 any-time minute plan, and so they have to keep talking not only while waiting for their meal in the restaurant, but also while they're chewing. Or the busy college student who has to use up her minutes while taking lecture notes.

Of course, who can deny it looks really cool to be walking around with a hunk of plastic hanging from your ear, every waking moment? (Especially if it has a little blinkie-light on it.)

I'm waiting for the hands-free thingie to drop in price a little bit. I'll get one and wear it, just so I look really cool... and so people won't look at me quite as funny when I'm walking around, talking to myself.

STRANGE NEWS ROUNDUP

Click on a "headline" to read the full story.

Medical Mystery: Compulsive Hoarders

Are you a packrat? There's a fine line between simple clutter and extreme hoarding. Most hoarders, observers say, are physically incapable of throwing things out.

Boy's Screaming Kills Chickens

Hundreds of chickens have been found dead in east China - and a court has ruled that the cause of death was the screaming of a four-year-old boy who in turn had been scared by a barking dog.

Police say obsessed Oregon woman stole rabbits from police

An obsessed woman broke into a police holding area to take back about 130 rabbits she had been accused of neglecting, police said. In October, Hillsboro police seized 150 live rabbits from the home of Miriam Sakewitz and found nearly 100 more dead ones in a trio of freezers.

Jimi Hendrix Energy Drink in Works

A new energy drink doesn't promise to give you the juice to play guitar like Jimi Hendrix, but it does hope to give you a "Liquid Experience." ... The image of Hendrix has [also] been licensed for products including baby clothing, an air freshener, lava lamp and a Christmas ornament.

Uncle Rico Syndrome

You probably remember Uncle Rico from the movie, "Napoleon Dynamite." And you've probably known an "Uncle Rico" or two in your life. I know I have.

Uncle Rico's defining characteristic is that he revels in the glory of the past. You see, he was the star quarterback, 15 years ago when he was in high school. And he prefers reminiscing about life back then, rather than focusing on his present wretched existence. (He demonstrates that he hasn't lost his throwing arm, by hurling a steak, accurate as a laser-guided missile, into the side of his bike-riding nephew Napoleon's head.)

I'm starting to worry that 50,000 or so local people are afflicted with Uncle Rico Syndrome. It seems to be going around, as badly as the Boogie Fever Epidemic of the 70s. (Or... maybe it's actually dying down, but a frantic local media is trying to keep it alive.)

How long will we continue to bask in the glory of the Fiesta Bowl, and our beloved Broncos' 13-0 football season?

The ticker tape parade is over now. The cheering and laughter, and ceaseless "Boyyyyyyyyy-Seeeeeeeeee..... Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate!" have died down. But there are still autograph-signing dates. I'm still seeing cars driving around with huge Bronco decals on the doors, and tattered blue and orange Bronco flags snappin' in the wind. (There are at least 1000 "number one fans" in town. Soon, due to the ravages of time and weather, those flags will be lying in the gutters, just like the American flags a few months after 9/11. At least the Fiesta Bowl is more positive than 9/11, huh?)

If I hear one more personalized play-by-play call of the last minute of the game, and the overtime, I think I'll grab a steak and throw it at the commentator!!

(-;

At my household, we've become rather cynical. When the obligatory local-TV-news "Fiesta Bowl Update" comes on, you hear the hollerin' begin. "Mom! Come here! Hurry! Fiesta Bowl news!"

We all watched the game, and were thrilled with the outcome, and are proud of our Broncos. But people, it's time to give the Fiesta Bowl a rest already! (Although we obviously hope to hear daily news updates on how the football-star / head-cheerleader relationship is going.)

Jack Bauer – American Hero or Racist Swine?

Do you watch "24"? I didn't for the first 3 ½ seasons. But then I made the mistake of watching an episode, and quickly got hooked.

In fact, I even bought a "Season 1 Box Set" to catch up with. But in a way, it's better to watch the broadcast version… the commercials give you a chance to catch your breath. That is one HIGH TENSION teevee show!

If you don't watch… Jack Bauer, played by Kiefer Sutherland, works for the CTU – Counter-Terrorism Unit. He works out of the L.A. office of that super-secret agency, which is conveniently nearby the Fox sound stages, etc. Each season is one day (24 hours, hour-by-hour) of Jack's crime-fighting life. But he's not doing battle with jaywalkers, or even bank robbers. His enemies are the international dudes – think "Doctor Evil" – who have plastic explosives, nerve gas, or a big flippin' bomb they want to set off in the U.S.A. Jack Bauer foils their plans while the rest of us sleep.

"24" has a huge following. Not huge like "American Idol," or "You're Fired!," but kinda huge. I saw Kiefer Sutherland the other day on Charlie Rose. He said their fans run the gamut from VP Dick Cheney, to Barbra Streisand. (So, the show is beloved by both Nazis and Commies! Hahahaha)

But this year, the accusations have renewed.

In the 4-hour premiere event (broadcast January 14 and 15), Jack fell into the hands of MUSLIM fanatics, who are intent on killing him, and then setting off their Suitcase Nukes around the Fruited Plain, to bring America to her knees. Fortunately, Jack escapes. But at the end of the 4th hour, despite his best terrorist-fighter efforts, one of the fictional nukes goes off, fictionally blowing up a bunch of fictional L.A.-area citizens. Jack was all set to retire, but that single event made him decide to stick around for 20 more hours, to deal harshly with the bad guys. Who have 4 more suitcases. AWESOME!

The Muslims are upset about how they are portrayed in "24." They see it as bad P.R. – Muslims blowing people up. An unfair stereotype. Some kook might blur the line between fiction and reality, and get the wrong idea about Muslims.

I know "24" has changed my life.

The other day, some lady was riding in the elevator with me. Had kind of a Russian-like look about her. I was instantly suspicious. She started talking on her cell phone – IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE! I did what Jack Bauer would have done – wasted her. Single 9mm in the forehead. And then got off on the next floor, being careful not to leave fingerprints on the elevator button.

And – the very next day (!!) – I saw a guy driving a taxicab. Definitely not from around here… he looked Muslim! I figured that Russkie gal had probably been talking to him on her phone, before I could take her out. So I wasted the dude. He slumped over the steering wheel, and his taxi careened down Bannock Street and ran into a telephone pole.

But seriously… a couple points to consider.

1) I find it REFRESHING to watch a television drama where the villain, or window-peeper, or rapist, or whatever-threat-to-society, isn't a Christian white guy. (And most often a CONSERVATIVE Greed-Driven suit-wearing Evil Businessman.)

Fox said in their prepared statement about the Muslim accusations: "24 is a heightened drama about anti-terrorism. After five seasons, the audience clearly understands this, and realizes that any individual, family, or group (ethnic or otherwise) that engages in violence is not meant to be typical. Over the past several seasons, the villains have included shadowy Anglo businessmen, Baltic Europeans, Germans, Russians, Islamic fundamentalists, and even the (Anglo-American) president of the United States."

2) If the Muslims are concerned about being stereotyped as suicidal, wild-eyed, bomb-wielding crazies, maybe they should first try to influence their suicidal, wild-eyed, bomb-wielding crazy fellow Muslims to scale it back a little, before attacking the poor misunderstood Hollywood people! Just a thought.

Can you judge someone by the car he or she drives?

Results from an interesting AP-AOL poll were released on 1/15; 62% of those polled say "they can tell something about someone's personality from the kind of car he or she drives." And the more affluent or better-educated, the more likely they are to feel they can make such an evaluation.

Let's try to understand, using some real-life scenarios.

Is the guy who drives an F350 Super-Duty turbo-diesel crew-cab dually pickup truck more likely to be a macho, outdoors, rugged he-man -type than some milquetoast who drives a Toyota Corolla?

No doubt!

But what if he gets to his destination, and steps out of the vehicle, and it turns out to be Wally Cox instead of Paul Bunyan? (For you kids who are reading, and don't know who Wally Cox is... substitute Clay Aiken.) Or worse – what if it turns out to be Betty White? Some of them sweet little grandmother-type ladies might like the big rugged pickup trucks. (My momma could drive one, just as capably as Dinty Moore... know what I mean?)

Is the guy who drives a Porsche Carrera more likely to be a rich playboy-type than the guy who's driving a '74 Olds Cutlass?

DUH!

How about the stereotype middle-age guy, who's balding and fighting the belly, and has a mid-life crisis and buys a shiny red Corvette. What can we judge about HIS personality? (Maybe in the post-Viagra years, that thing doesn't happen so often. Hahahaha)

Here's a tougher one.

Is the Hummer driver more likely to be a Democrat, or Republican? How about the Volvo driver? How about the guy riding around in the back of the stretch limo? Do people choose transportation on the basis of their politics?

The most amusing drivers are those who drive the "rice burners." (You know – those little Japanese cars that the kids like. How sad for them! When I was a kid, the cool kids drove GTXs and Corvettes and '56 Fords.) Nowadays, they drive what was once a Honda or Mitsubishi, but it's been rendered unrecognizable with the addition of huge but non-functional hood scoops, wings on the back (look more like carrying handles to me), low-profile tires, 10,000-watt onboard ghetto blasters, etc. What can you learn about those drivers, by observing their cars?

How about me? I ride a bike. (Maybe that doesn't count.)

I WILL tell you this… the car companies are certainly convinced that America will buy a car based on the image of that car. Witness the millions (if not billions) that are poured into marketing and advertising cars on TV. And I'll go this far... lots of folks buy a car because of that "image" - their purchasing decision includes their perception of what others will think of 'em, when they're motoring about in their new stylin' pimped-out ride.

The sporty cars lean toward mystique… cryptic names made up of meaningless strings of characters and numbers, heavy on the X's and Z's.

The SUV-types, and pickups, usually get the "macho treatment." Even the names are macho – the new Dodge vehicles? "Caliber." "Nitro." ("Nitro" isn't likely to explode, is it? It's good they didn't name the Ford Pinto the Ford Nitro… that woulda come back to bite 'em in the butt!)

I tend to make quick snap-judgments about drivers, based on their cars, when I'm riding my bicycle and see one approaching. If it's a kid in a rice-burner, I'm wary, because they are usually the worst drivers, except for maybe distracted cell-phone SUV Soccer Mom. If it's a guy in a pickup truck, I'm wary, because SOME of them seem to think they have an exclusive right to the road, and are hell-bent on occupying the same space as I am occupying, to intimidate me. (All pickup drivers aren't stupid rednecks... but stupid rednecks tend to gravitate to pickup trucks.)

In a related story, it was recently revealed that gays and lesbians are likely to pick certain vehicles for their transportation. (Reported on a source no less reliable than "Click and Clack, the Tappett Brothers"!!)

The Lesbian top five:
5. Honda CR-V
4. Ford F-150 pickup
3. Jeep Wrangler
2. Subaru Forester
1. Subaru Outback

The gayest cars in America:
5. Mazda Miata
4. Jeep Wrangler
3. BMW 3-Series
2. VW "New Beetle"
1. VW Jetta

Weigh that, too, my friends, when you are making your critical vehicle purchasing decision. If you're a guy, you'd have to be pretty darn comfortable in your manhood to drive a New Beetle or a Jetta, huh? Be gay! Or look just like one when you're driving!

(Accompanying graphic was snagged from The Onion awhile back - the "anger powered" concept car. For people who tend to road-rage when they're driving.)

My Grandbaby

Baby Mackenzie, born 4 January 2007. 8lbs., 12oz. (The fishermen I know say that's a BIG one!) Being held by her great-grandma.

Are motorcycles dangerous?

Are motorcycles dangerous?

My nephew asked me that a few days back. He said he and his sisters are suddenly “fascinated” by motorcycles. Part of it, he said, is the prospect of saving on transportation costs, part is the undeniable allure of that high-performance, exciting way to get around. But his father discourages it, saying motorcycles are dangerous.

I can identify. My fascination with motorcycles started at an even younger age. My dad bought a Suzuki 80cc “scrambler” when I was probably 9 or 10, then upgraded to a 120cc. I loved riding passenger; I can still remember looking down and seeing the ground whizzing by, directly under foot… that was a new sensation! And my friends’ dads… Dan’s dad had motocross bikes – big 360cc Husqvarnas and such. Ralph’s dad had a SWEET 650cc Triumph; I used to stand in his garage and admire that thing, chrome gleaming in the shadows.

My favorite pastime was hanging out at Herb Uhl’s motorcycle shop out on State Street. He had Suzukis, plus European dirt bikes – Bultaco, Maico, Montesa, CZ, Husqvarna. Then Carl’s opened next door. He sold Kawasakis, and Bonanza minibikes. I don’t know what the guy was thinking – he actually occasionally let us ride his “demo” minibike out on a little test circuit set up out back. (I s’pose it paid off; years later I bought a Kawasaki KH500 from him.) Across town on Vista, “Dirty” Al Russell had his Yamaha shop. Buzz Chaney sold Triumphs, down on Main Street. They all knew me. Motorcycles have been in my blood since early on, and I started riding around 12 years old. (Essentially all of my riding was off-road until I was 17 or so. That off-road riding was invaluable in giving me a set of motorcycle handling skills.)

First, let me address the cost of owning and operating a motorcycle, as compared with a car.

I’d guess you (typically) won’t save a huge amount of money, per mile, using a motorcycle. Unless you own the motorcycle free and clear, you’ll have monthly payments. (An entry-level motorcycle will cost as much as a decent used car. Of course, it all depends on how much motorcycle you need… but the more “alluring” ones come with fairly substantial price tags.) Same thing with gas. A mileage-champ motorcycle might get 60 or more MPG… but the “alluring” motorcycles get less than that. Compare with an economy car that might get 35-40MPG, in which you can transport 3 of your friends. Motorcycles have to be maintained, just like cars. (Many of the “alluring” ones are as complex as any car, with 5 or 6 valves per cylinder, liquid cooling, fuel injection, etc. … but everything miniaturized. Unless you’re an accomplished mechanic, you’ll be frustrated to maintain such a beast yourself.) And stuff wears out… chains, tires, etc. You’ll find that motorcycle tires are way more spendy than car tires. There are other cost factors to consider – insurance, parking, etc.

(Keep in mind I’m mostly addressing the “alluring” type motorcycles. If you’re shopping for a motorcycle/scooter-type vehicle strictly for economical transportation, you can get one that costs less to buy, does much better on fuel mileage, is relatively low-maintenance, and for which tires don’t cost $200 apiece. But it’s not the kind of motorcycle you see in the movies, passing cars at 200mph with a Tom Cruise look-alike laying on the tank, or rumbling through the urban jungle with Schwarzenneger at the controls.)

Also when considering cost of owning and operating… do you see a motorcycle being your only transportation, or will it supplement an “enclosed” vehicle? Will you want to ride your motorcycle when it’s 100 degrees out? Or 10 degrees? If you get snow or ice, what will you do? Are you uncomfortable if the temperature isn’t 70-75 degrees?

If it’s your second (or third, or fourth) vehicle, you’ll be paying to own and operate the other vehicle(s), too. They all need to have the oil changed, insurance, parking, etc.

I’m not trying to discourage my reader from buying a motorcycle… but please be realistic.

Now… back to the original question.

Are motorcycles dangerous?

Yes.

Everything is dangerous. Driving a car. Shoveling snow out of the driveway. Mowing the lawn. Taking a bath. (Hundreds of people die every year when they slip in the bathtub.)

I’ll forever remember the day Dad crashed his motorcycle. (It’s etched into my brain, very much like the circumstances when the news came over the loudspeaker that President Kennedy had been shot, or that day in 2001 when the planes flew into the Twin Towers.)

It was a beautiful summer day – perfect conditions for a nice motorcycle ride. The family had been at a Little League baseball game at Camel’s Back Park, and we were headed for home.

Mom, as usual, was piloting a station wagon full of kids. Dad was following, a half-block behind, on the Suzuki 120.

Mom went through an intersection. Dad followed.

I don’t know whose fault it was; it really doesn’t matter. A car entered the intersection from a side street, after Mom had gone through. Dad swerved the motorcycle to avoid a collision. It went down, and he and the motorcycle slid along the pavement. (I was in the backward-facing seat in Mom’s car, and watched it unfold.)

Dad scraped up his ankle pretty good, and gouged his shin. He was bloodied, but not seriously injured, thank goodness. The motorcycle was essentially unscathed. He righted it, and rode it home. He parked it, and if he ever got on it again, I don’t remember. Obviously his opinion of the risk-vs.-benefit ratio had changed in a split second.

After that, I don’t remember him coming right out and verbally discouraging me from my abiding interest in motorcycles. But I remember him bringing home a pair of eyeglasses that a motorcyclist had been wearing when he fatally collided with a farm truck. One of the temple pieces was jammed clear through a wooden board. On another occasion, he took me to the hospital to see a guy who had crashed his motorcycle and was lying comatose, and on life support. I respected Dad’s viewpoint, and considered the high stakes. But the lure of the chrome and twist-grip throttle held me fast. (Dad kept the Suzuki, and I’m sure I put many more miles on it – off-road miles – in the ensuing few years, than he had ever ridden it.)

How dangerous is riding a motorcycle?

Statistically… per mile traveled, you are approximately 16 times more likely to die in an accident when riding a motorcycle, than when driving an enclosed motor vehicle. And 3 times as likely to be injured. It’s common sense… you are VERY exposed and vulnerable on that 2-wheeled contraption. You need to avoid accidents at all costs, because if you’re in an accident, you almost certainly will be either injured or killed. By comparison, the majority of auto-accident victims get out their smashed car and walk away.

Can you avoid dying in a motorcycle accident?

Motorcyclists like to blame accidents on “the other guy.” And there’s no denying – drivers frequently have a hard time seeing, or recognizing, motorcycles on the road.

My strategy is simple. When I’m riding, I like to imagine that I’m invisible, and that nobody can see me. That way, I’m never totally surprised when somebody doesn’t see me.

BUT – it’s not always the other guy’s fault. In fact, it’s safe to say that in most accidents involving a motorcycle, the motorcycle driver is at least partly to blame. Consider:

45% of all motorcycle fatalities are SINGLE-VEHICLE accidents. (You’d think ALL of those accidents could be avoided.)
In 41% of all fatal motorcycle accidents, the motorcycle driver was speeding.
In 31%, the motorcycle driver was intoxicated.
In 18%, the motorcycle driver did not have a valid operator’s license.
(All of those numbers are from NHTSA 1998, but they probably haven’t changed substantially.)

This is significant – 46% of all motorcycle fatalities involve riders not wearing helmets. Head injury is a leading cause of death in motorcycle accidents.

There’s a good chance that NONE of the 2284 motorcyclists who died and 49,000 who were injured (1998) expected it to happen, on the fateful day. Unfortunately, many of them made conscious decisions to increase the risk of riding by speeding, impairing themselves, riding helmetless, etc. Motorcycling is dangerous enough under the best of circumstances; why compound the risk?

My advice for somebody who is considering riding a motorcycle for transportation and/or pleasure:

GET A BIKE! Bicycles, for day-in, day-out local transportation, are SO MUCH more “fascinating” than motorcycles! “Bikers” (the motorcycle type) like to call cars “cages,” implying that you lose some freedom by using a car rather than a motorcycle. But realistically, what do you gain if you ride a motorcycle? You’re stuck in the same traffic jams on the same crummy roads. You’re subject to the same laws. You’re still looking for a parking spot. You’re still a slave to the insurance company, Big Oil, etc. From the viewpoint of the bicycle saddle, motorcycles are pretty restrictive, as well.

But besides that…
- Educate yourself about the risk involved, and decide if you are willing to accept that risk.
- Educate yourself about how that risk can be minimized, and make up your mind to do everything possible to protect yourself.
- Take the STARS Beginning Rider Course. It thoroughly covers the risks, and how to minimize those risks. Some folks take the course and decide that motorcycling is NOT for them. It’s great to know that, before you’ve plunked down $5000 or $10,000 or more for a motorcycle.
- If you take up the pastime, get as much experience as you can without venturing into heavy traffic. Be familiar with your machine… its capabilities and limitations. Keep it in tip-top mechanical condition. Take advantage of training opportunities. Always wear a helmet, and ideally, high-top shoes and other protective gear. Ride legally, assertively and defensively. Don’t let ANYTHING distract you from your riding, and don’t let anything or anybody take you by surprise… your life depends on it. Bon voyage!